Top of the mountain

Up the mountain, I wanted to go. To see the other side of the world, I thought. Can't be staying at the foot of the mountain all the time. Many have gone and come back happy.

Now that I'm here, it does seem different from the foot of the mountain. But am I really seeing the rest of the world from here?

Definitely not. This is just a minute portion of the world. This is just one mountain among the millions that stand tall.

New food. New water. New climate. New people. New friends? New me?

Is everything different? No. Most things remain the same. The basics remain the basics.

The human perception is what changes things. The interpretation off vile tongues poisons even the purest water.

Climbing this mountain has taught me about myself. Climbing this mountain has given me the chance to pull myself closer to some and more distant to others. Climbing this mountain has made me lose a lot but will perhaps gain more. Climbing this mountain has made me get out of my comfort zone - which was the key objective. Yes! It's not so much about seeing the world ain't it?

Maybe you wouldn't hear from me. That's because time up the mountain is different.

unknown

Sometimes I get this incredible feeling of being alone at the peak of a mountain trying to find beauty in the scenery.

I'm tired. But can I put down the weary in me to savour the fruits of my labour? Will I be able to leave behind my worries at the foot of the mountain and stay a little longer?

Will I find myself an alien returning home to an unfamiliar planet upon descend? How can I stay here any longer...

I'm stuck. I'm caught in the misty sky, seeing things that they don't. They're seeing a little dot at the top of mountain getting caught in the fog. Who sees more? Can it be compared when we're seeing different things?

Just stop thinking for a moment...that'll be good...

Can't be good with every role

You play the role of a grandson, a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a good friend, a close friend, a friend, an intern, a colleague, an exchange student, a traveller...

And you just can't be good with all.

You wake up, you shower, you eat, you travel, you work, you eat, you work, you entertain, you plan, you eat, you travel, you shower, you talk, you sleep...

You rush through each day to get things done...

End of the day....you suck at the roles you played. You just can't be good with every role...

You can't please everyone and you can't please yourself.

A long awaited break?

Beau Monde

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(Written by Guest Blogger - The GF)

Continued disjointedness

It's been awhile. Working life tires you out. As much as you enjoy your work and find your work enriching, the feeling of having your personal time being stolen away creeps in. It doesn't help when the learning curve at work is steep and the folks you work with are veterans.

Work has left me feeling tired and inadequate. At the same time, I have somewhat managed to maintain a pretty positive attitude towards these inadequacies. You continue to realise just how much you don't know and it gets overwhelming at times.

6 weeks more and I'll be away. It seems so surreal. Months ago, I was adamant that I had to go on exchange. It seemed like an opportunity for me to get out of my comfort zone again to see the world and experience another kind of life. I also defined it as part of a 'growing up' process and a post-NS training to be more independent. (Despite the fact that I'm turning 24, I somewhat feel like a kid sometimes.) I was excited at this prospect of being miles away in a foreign land.

It suddenly seems less attractive after looking at the planning I have to do. Much less attractive after weighing what I have to leave behind - 2 family weddings, family, friends and the LOML and her 21st birthday. Not that I'm giving it up. Not after spending close to 3k even before I'm flying off. I just hope that the experience will be worthwhile especially after splashing out (a current estimated figure of) around 13k. There's still something fearful and alluring about this experience.

I'm really giving up a lot for this experience so I'm not going to allow someone to ruin it for me. Especially myself. A lot of times, it really is just a mental problem.

I know I've got to be contented and count my blessings. Got to give more credit to myself for what I've achieved so far, got have more faith in myself, got work doubly hard for what I want, got to give more time for those around me and got to take a break somewhere and whine less. The tides have turned incredibly for me since the start of the year. I've been achieving what I never thought I could and experienced what I never thought I would. Things have gone unbelievably well that you start to suspect somewhere, sometime, something will go awry. But I guess I shouldn't worry so much and should just continue to bask in glory and joy while I can. Being the forward looking kind, I'm probably never quite contented enough with what I have achieved. Like how Shufen put it, its simply because you've come so far that you feel continued mounting pressure to do better - to meet others expectations of you and more importantly, to meet you own skyrocketing expectations. But frankly, fuck those past track record in school. They don't mean a shit. School was a learning process, getting out to work is learning plus adapting. Just like those disclaimers in unit trusts' prospectus: Past performance is not an indication for future performance. Suck up the shit and maintain positivity.

I want some time for myself. I want some time for those friends that I haven't met for awhile. I'm greedy - I want everything. For now, I'm putting certain things aside. I want to go back to the stage but now is probably not the right time - there might never be the right time. I'm a part-realist-part-idealist confused idiot. 2009 is not my year for sure. 2009 March is a worse time.

Don't judge me. Don't put labels on me being a S*U student. Please remove this discriminative mentality that is comparable to racism. Don't tell me nonsense like thankfully you are not the typical kind of S*U student. Don't tell me that S*U students are fucked up in whatever ways from your hearsays. Having pride in your school doesn't give you reason to try to put down others. There's always some kind of balance in pros and cons in the different kinds of environment you're in. There is probably no better or worse in subjective issues - keep an open mind and you'll probably be happier.

People change. Not sure what happens 6 weeks later. Not sure what happens after 2009 comes. Uncertainty plagues us constantly - just got to deal with it and live with it. Its time to dig deep and get ready for a new season. Get the European Cup out of the way first and worry less.

Disjointed

I'm still alive. Been in office till 8pm almost every (work) day

Been overwhelmed with what I've been experiencing at work. Feel somewhat ill equipped to handle some of the more technical/quantitative aspects. This is what happens when you have a broad-based education with less depth.

HK in a week. Seems like my internship will keep me really busy with random work.

Exchange in about 11 weeks. Seems so surreal. I'll be flying off just 3 days after my internship end and wouldn't be back until 7 Jan.

Hope I get my scholarship.

3 more weeks before she's back.

Summer Aftermath

Starting work in about 9 hours time. It's like venturing into unknown territories. I guess I didn't quite make full use of the previous one and hope that I'll be wiser now.

The summer is officially over - so are relaxing days. It's time to work. Work can probably be fun. But the initial learning curve should be pretty steep and I hope I can get into the act soon.

It's new season. New challenges. A lot to look forward to. But at the same time, a lot of hardwork and perseverance. A lot of faith needed. Self-belief and optimism, lacking so often, are now immediate.

And of course, 6 weeks of separation followed by a further 4 months.

What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I guess I will enjoy the work, not the separation.

It's time to get down fighting again. Well, I can do it. Especially after a Treble.

My Treble winning season

It was like winning a Treble. I had a good season, no doubts about it.

Funny thing is, I'm always overwhelmed by the achievements of others. I tend to think hey, that's not something I can do. Funnier thing is, when I do achieve something, I attribute it to luck. Well, at least a percentage of the reasons behind any success has to point to the luck factor since many things are beyond our control.

I'm really pleased with the Treble winning season. I've got to be thankful for the wonderful teammates I had. If someone else had done this, I would have thought this is not something I can do. But I've done it. And it matters. Injection of faith.

But once the euphoria died down, I'm hungry once again. I think I'm greedy. I think I can never be good enough by my own measure. It's a double-edged sword.

Did I give myself enough credit?

Why did I feel so unsure when it came out so fine?

I need Mourinho's confidence. I'm the Special One. But am I?

Maybe sometimes working with too many brilliant people kills your confidence.

Generation Gap

While 'domesticating' myself for grocery shopping, I came across a classic example of generation gap...

At a mega mall somewhere in Tampines:

Father: 家里都那么多 chocolate liao 你还要买！
(Singlish translation: At home so many chocolate already still want to buy!)
Daughter: 这个不一样的！这个是拿来擦面包的！
(This one different one, this is for bread one!)
Father: 擦面包。。。Aiyah 你拿 chocolate 跟它 giap 在面包里面不就可以 liao lor。。。
(Aiya same same lah, just giap the chocolate between the bread can already what!)

Cute.

Jiak Gang Dang

In anticipation of my exchange to Poland, I've been trying to 'domesticate' myself in the last few weeks. As food is a basic need, I decided to brush up (not learn okay, I can cook one) my cooking skills through learning by doing. In addition, I've been watching my mum cook. As potatoes are cheaper than rice in Europe, I decided to try some potato dishes first. (Pasta is chicken feet la...)
Excellent baked potato skins! Too bad I couldn't find sour cream from NTUC and I made do with tartar sauce which is sour as well. My mum loved it and polished off 2 pieces (but she peeled off the skin - generation gap)!

Using the centre block of the potatoes, I made rosti. A little oily like what you can find in Marche. Rosti with tartar is a little weird. Probably need the sausages to go along.

I'm all ready to jiak gang dang (eat potatoes) in Europe!